tantalize your senses*

Tuesday, October 18, 2005
5:57 PM

and so i thank you Lord for my better than expected results. happy about bio results. okay with my gp results. a little disappointed with my chem results. super disappointed with my maths results. oh wells. i deserve my maths results i guess. barely studied. only studied one day before. i shall put in more effort.

anw. loads of things i want to say. shall start somewhere. hmm. okay. i guess different people have different expectations of themselves for different subjects. i mean like my expectations of myself for maths are like super high. so even though i may get an A, i will not be satisfied cos i know that that's not my best effort. yes. so i guess what i'm trying to say is. try to understand if people complain abt not doing well enough when to you, their results may be like.. super good. i guess i do that sometimes. which i think is wrong. but then again, people can't help feeling disappointed when their expectations aren't met right? i mean, to each his/her own. yeah. had to say that. not to make excuses for myself, but i guess everyone has such moments one time or another in their life, and they're entitled to such moments.

another thing. after reading fel's blog, i just felt i have to say something. was a bit offended reading her blog. but hey. she's got her right to her own opinions. so i guess what i want to say is, people sometimes do have reasons for working so hard for s papers, for wanting so much to get scholarships. have you ever thought about those who really need scholarships so that they can ease the financial burden on their parents? okay fine. i'm talking about myself. no doubt i want s papers badly. no doubt i want a scholarship. i guess to some extent the reason for that is because i want to go overseas to study. because i do not exactly like it here in singapore and because i want to be more independent and also because sometimes, the courses you want aren't offered in local universities (eg: marine biology, which is one of my options). have you ever thought of it this way? yeah. also. i have like 3 other siblings. 2 of whom are not exactly bright. my parents sat me down in sec school and told me this (something like that) "huili. you are the oldest. and you know two of your sisters are not exactly very bright. daddy and mummy needs you to start working hard now so that you can try to get a scholarship when you're in jc because we cannot possibly afford to see all 4 of you through university without some form of financial assistance." yes. do you know how much pressure i feel? having to perform well? i will feel so TERRIBLY guilty if i don't do well enough to get a scholarship of some form. yeah. maybe you didn't see it that way. yeah. so just trying to say that some people really do have a purpose in striving hard for their s papers and scholarships. a GENUINE purpose.

anw. having said all that, i still think that at the end of the day, it's your heartware (like how ms koh and mrs. ng also puts it) that matters, not your hardware. yeah. attitude counts. character counts too. sigh* i need to reflect on my character too. oh well. we all have our faults. but that dosen't mean i'm making excuses for myself.

today. i was irritated. partly irritated at myself for thinking so nastily. partly irritated at someone. you're like so FAKE man. i can't stand it anymore. you think you're so kind and all. so thoughtful. so understanding. ugh. get a life man. you're not. maybe if you really truly search yourself, you'll find out how you don't really mean all your words of care, concern blah blah. and. i can't stand the fact that you are so.. "underhanded". not quite the right word, but i don't know how else to put it. why hide the fact that you actually MUG SO HARD? why pretend that you don't study at all? WHAT'S THE USE MAN? ah sheesh. there's really no use in that you know. you're in hwa chong after all. HWA CHONG. the mugger school. sigh* i don't even know what right i have to say all this lah. i dunno. i feel super confused now. i partly hate myself for thinking such mean thoughts of others. aiyar. i dunno dunno DUNNO LAH.

oh yes. other thing i wanted to say. i'm thankful that i've found true friends in hwachong, friends who really accept me and understand me for who i am ((: i guess i missed having such friends in sec 3 and 4. sure, i love my sec 3&4 class alot, and i've some close friends in that class. but still. i can't really say i found soulmates in any of my classmates. yeah. so it's great to have found such frens again. i get the same feeling with my sec 1&2 best friends (we still keep in close contact!), which is good.

so here's a big HUG to special friends of mine. in no particular order, i thank God for jema, lyd, amy, laura, kailing, justine, ruowei, shuen, rachel, clauds. thank God also for very good friends like zhu, waye, isa, joanne. i love all of you DEARLY.

i'm so looking forward to going out with waye, zhu, shuen+ rachel, jema sometime soon. hahahah ((: if only we could stop saying "meet up soon" and start setting some concrete dates. lolx. but i do know i'll see dear jema next week! and hopefully shuen and rach. if shuen is free.

don't make me let go. i don't wanna let go

love, huili.