tantalize your senses*

it was depressing turning seventeen. i felt horrible today. quarrelled with my dad last night, threw a temper at mom... i started today (ie: 12 am) utterly pissed, sad, disappointed. i woke up in a foul mood. knowing that i was going for a job attachment instead of out celebrating made my mood worse. i was very distracted when doing devotion, which only made me more disgusted with myself. on the bus to lucky plaza, i cried - and managed to further humiliate myself.

and suddenly i realised that IF and when i finally manage to be near you, to see you again, it'll be all too late. you 20, i 18. too late, too late. i mean the norm's 21. your parents were 21. too late, too late. WHY?!?! i don't even know why i'm still clinging on. but i know i really need you.

but thanks to all my friends and loved ones, who with all their sms-es and well wishes made my day better. (oh, and tag prog today was rather interesting too.)

so here's a big *hug to all of you who cared enough to remember.
celene-who wished me on fri when i managed to catch her online after so many months! thanks for rmbering my dear.
alex-who wished me on sat in case he forgot.
sooling and sandra-who wished me on sun and gave me this LOVELY bouquet of orchids which i have preserved in my freezer ((: thank you so much. it really made my day.
auntie angela, mrs kortering, auntie suet yin-for wishing me happy birthday on sunday too!
david-for like... quite unwillingly wishing me happy birthday. hah.
and to all who sms-ed me on my birthday itself: claudia (you were the first! but you were early..), clement, yahting, dorcas, felicia, mingswin, kailing, huiling, minyi, emily, huiyi, isabel, matthew, shivika, ruowei garbie, celeste, karin, lydia dear, amy dear, cheegake, michelle, zhunian dear and wayening - THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH. ((: it was really really really appreciated. special mention goes to kailing, yahting, fel, huiling, minyi, em and huiyi who sms-ed frm india and even tried to call me on my handphone, even though it was flooding there. THANKS GIRLS. i was really touched ((:
to those who called: amelia (i'm pleasantly surprised you remembered!), justine pok! (please start acting your age, you're 2 months to 18! so OLD! tsk.)

yeah. nothing exciting happened today. oh well. thank God anyway for carrying me through yet another year of my life. for being there even though time and time again i disappoint Him. thank you Father.

love, huili.

Friday, November 25, 2005
1:52 PM

bah. i want to lock my entries. some of them at least. maybe i'll switch to diary-x. but too much hassle. =( sigh. can blogger please have this feature?

i don't even know why i'm blogging lah. maybe just for the sake of blogging. but ohwells. lemme recall what i did this week. monday, went shopping with mummy and qi and yi and mummy spent liek 300 over on me =( was feeling realllyyyy guilty. but i got new contacts! ((: yayness. but i've got astigmatism =( so had to custom make my left contact. which is why it's like 200 over for 13 months. why has astig come back to plague me! grrr... yupp. so that's abt all i did on mon. tuesday, went for harmoc. horrors. it started at 9 and i woke up at 845! like woah. so in the end i reached at... hehe. 11. but at least i went! but it was just a nightmare lah. everyone was so pro and so enthu, and i think that was like my FIRST time playing a harmoc properly. sigh. so many things to learn. irritating. and the pieces are all super HARD. oh wells. but finally saw garbie!! haahaha. and we talked so much over lunch. lalalalala. i had fun garbie!

sidetrack: i love rainy rainy days. don't you just love the rain? call me weird but i just like melancholy, because it is usually on wet, rainy days that all my memories come flooding back to me. bittersweet memories. i like remembering the past. i wish sometimes i could relive some moments. i like dwelling on the past (which is bad, but, that's me). ahhhhh. melancholy is a lovely feeling. ok huili, you better stop. you're sounding weirder by the second.

anw, on wed i went out with zhu dear! ((: yayyy. finally met up with her!! and we went to changi airport cos we wanted to just sit down and talk and talk. ok, i was like... horribly late lah. sorry dear! but in the end we just sat at the viewing gallery and talked and talked and talked and talked. there was so much to catch up on, but it was really fun knowing what was going on in her life again. and i was really glad that we can talk like we used to. ((: *hugggg. i love you dear! oh, we were approached by this sales-lady. quite a traumatic experience. lol.

on thurs, yesterday. was supposed to go for harmoc. but... decided to stay home to do some homework if not i will really die. (i still think i'm gonna die anyway, how am i supposed to do all the bio revision i was planning to!?!) yeah then went for dance prac. and i met garbie dear again at the busstop! yayyy! thanks for the letter and peanutbutter choc girl! lovelovelove! so after her bus came, went for dance prac at lt3. but borrowed blazer first. so kewl! haahahha. oh and i found a tie in the pocket of my blazer on my way home, but i already borrowed a tie! so now i have 2 hc ties! grrr. but nv mind, the one i borrowed was already tied! yay. no need to learn how to tie a tie! hahahhaha ((: i can't wait to go to taiwan! but i'll prob have to do hwk then. =( save me. oh, and i just hafta complain about this! why must we wear blazer and longsleeve white blouse and COURT SHOES to the airport! like... oh man. this means i'll be in court shoes and longsleeve white blouse on the plane! how UNCOMFORTABLE. =(( boohoo. we can just go and sub the airstewardesses and go be airstewardesses ourselves and trick all the passengers that they're on hwachong airlines. argh. i don't want. i hate court shoes. they give me blisters.

anyway, going for shuen's musical later! can't wait. she says it's gonna be good. i hope so! gonna meet rachie earlier to get flowers for shuen. ((: anyway, hope the pple in india are doing ok! smsed fel ytd.. hope she saw the sms and showed it to the rest too! ((:

love, huili.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005
6:55 PM

somanythingshappeningallatonego. somanythingscomerushingatmeallatonce. irealiseihaven'tbeenagoodfren. i'veneglectedsomanypple,letdownsomanypple,hurtsomanypple. i'msorrysorrysorrysorry. ifeelsoashamed. i'vedishonoredChrist'snamebycallingmyselfaChristian. whatexampleamisetting? whatsortofrottentestimonyisthis? whyamilikethat? ohLord,pleasehelpme. forgivemeLord,forallthedishonori'vebroughttoyourname,forallthebadtestimoniesi'vegiven. forgivemeforbeingsowordly,soungodly,sounlikehowachildofyoursshouldbehave.

i'msorryididn'treadyourpostearlierjema. sorrythatididn'tcaremore. sorrythatididn'tbotheraskingmore. sorryttiseemedsoselfishonsatwhenallididwastalkabtmyselfandmyprobs. sorrysorrysorry. ireallydidn'tknowhowyouwerefeeling. didn'tbotherfindingout. didn'tknowyouwerefeelingsorotten. i'msorryforbeingsuchaterriblefren. sorrysorrysorry.

i'msorryicausedyoutohurtsobadlyyahting. sorrythatiwassuchabadChristiantestimony. sorrythatididn'tlearntoloveandacceptyouforwhoyouare. sorrythatididn'tbotherabtyoursideofthestory. sorrythatididn'tcareenuff. sorrythatididn'tshowpropergoodChristianlovetoyou. sorrythaticausedyouhurt,tearsandanguish. i'mreallyreallyreallysorry. ihopeyoucanforgiveme. thankyouforthatemail. itmademerealiseallthewrongi'vebeendoing. allthethingsi'vesoungodlysaidanddone. thankyouforbeingarealfrenandtellingmeallthat. i'msorrysorrysorry. ihopeyouknowhowsorryiam.

Lord,whyisitthatallthiscomeshittingmeallatonce? whyLord,why? ohLord,pleaseseemethruthis. helpmetochangeLord. tobeabettertestimonyforyou. toreallybealightshiningforyou. toloveyouwithallmyheart,soul,mindandstrength. Lord,forgivemeasinner. anundeserving,wretchedsinner. i'vesooftendisappointedyoulord. sooftenputyournametoshameLord. bemercifultome,asinner. bemercifulLord.

love, huili.

Thursday, November 17, 2005
10:50 PM

on tues i finally went out with shuen and rachie, and it was FUN FUN FUN! awwwww... i miss you guys loads. LOADS. LOADS. we met at orchard at 11... or rather, no one was there at 11. we were all FASHIONABLY late. shuen sms-ed me at 11:15 and asked where i was. she arrived first, for once! LOL. (but maybe that's cos her grandparents drove her there... that's cheating!) anyway, when i reached, we shopped around wisma first while waiting for dear rachel. and in that short 30 mins or so, shuen actually bought a pair of shoes frm pazzion! she's like... so productive. hahahahaha. so when rachel came, we decided to go get some food, so we went to food republic and sat down. and sat down. and sat down. lol. no one wanted to move to buy anything. oh and in the process, liz called and was like cursing us cos we didn't want to tell her where we were, so that she can't find us. LOL. it's for YOUR OWN GOOD dear! go study for your public relations paper! LOL. (btw, how do you actually STUDY public relations?)

in the end we walked to far east to eat chicken rice, which was cheap and yummy! we proceeded to literally COMB the whole of far east. like.. all the levels except the ground level (how ironic!) oh and we went to this earring shop. like really there was only earrings earrings and more earrings with the odd sprinkle of necklaces and anklets. it was like some 3 for ... (oops. can't say how much, if not my sis will know how much half her bdae present was) thing.. so we were like looking and looking and looking. i got so dizzy man.. cos it was really earrings ALL over and it was sparkle sparkle EVERYWHERE. after browsing for one hour plus (yeah, we took that long!) in that shop alone, we decided to get out of far east. we accompanied shuen to tanglin plaza to get her resin, on the way we stopped by mango and zara and TRIED ON LOADS OF CLOTHES! hahahhaha. fun fun fun! it's been a loooong time since i did that, and i like that skirt i saw in zara! but omygoodness. 50 bucks! mannnn... i shall go find a cheap imitation or something. hahahaa ((: i love all the winter wear too, why won't mom let me buy some! it's not like i don't go to cold countries.. sheesh. hahahah. but it was fun fun fun trying on clothes.

after tanglin we went to coffee bean and wanted to get a drink, but went to shuen's house instead to watch dvds and pig out! we watched ice princess and meet joe black. nice shows. disappointing ending for ice princess, but the ice skating was GOOOOOOOD. go watch it jema! (if you haven't already) oh and we ate ice cream (shuen and i polished off half a tub of island creamery's burnt caramel after dinner :P) and chocolate muffins and drank sprite.. ohoh. but we ate FRUITS! ((: hhahahahaha. we are healthy ok.

yeah, so that was tues, which was tons of fun. thank you dear shuen and rachel for the super enjoyable time. i'm so glad we can talk and laugh and bitch like we used to. only we're not as tooooot and childish as we used to be. hahahahaha ((:

ohohoh. australia qualified for WORLD CUP 2006!! (after thirty over years!) hahahahha. they are so super lucky lah. but yupp... quite glad for them. was rooting for them instead of uruguay... and and and this gus hiddink is REALLY amazing! quite some accomplishments he has to his name huh? first holland, then south korea, now australia! woah. not bad at all.

and pleaseee.... let ballack choose man utd please... don't go to inter milan, don't remain at bayern munich, don't go to real madrid!! esp NOT real madrid. they already took beckham away frm man u!! =(

and i'm still GLOATING over the fact that man u won chelsea 1-0. HAH.

ok. enough ranting. happy belated 17th isa!

love, huili.

Thursday, November 10, 2005
12:33 PM

pw is finally over. ok, that was yesterday's news but still. i'm glad it's over. no more staying up till 3 am trying to get eom, wr, op or inr done ((: i'm glad. but yet, i think i'll miss HI138. yeahyeah, i know i complained alot, but i guess that was cos i was just pissed off with pw, and not with you'll. yeah. it's been fun working with you guys, especially our really AMUSING skit. hahahhaha ((: we truly showed great group dynamics yah? even though we really had intense pw for the past week, it was fun lah. all the crap that we did, the laughter, the niao-ing (i mean, with yz what do you expect?), the watching of vcds and tv, the slacking, the pigging out... truly unforgettable. it has been fun to work with you guys and maybe i'll miss working together as a group. MAYBE. i could do without the niao-ing frm all of you, thank you very much. HAH. but all in all (omygoodness! i'm starting to sound like i'm writing a pw document!), i think the whole pw "LEARNING JOURNEY" has been... an EXPERIENCE. i don't think i want to re-live it again (no thank you), but at least it enabled me to talk more with pple i wld have otherwise not done so (ie: yz and clem) so yupp! it has been good in that sense. and thanks guys, for REALLY helping each other out. staying up late together, and also for helping me get my stupid inr out at the last minute ((:

so yesterday after submitting the gpf, kailing and i went to orchard to eat subway! ((: yay. finally ate a subway sandwich. it was GOOOOOODDD ((: i love sandwiches with LOADS of VEG cos it makes me feel so healthy eating them! yummm. and might i mention that subway cookies that are FRESH OUT OF THE OVEN are positively DELIGHTFUL! *drools. so after lunch, we went to changi airport. i love that place. so serene, so calm, so peaceful. and so near to freedom. hahahhahaa. nvm, i'm flying out in less than a mth! yayness! and seriously, changi airport is turning more and more into a shopping centre! like... there's minibits and mini toons there now.. bods.bodynits too! man... why can't changi airport be in the west? they can like just shift changi airport to the west, and jurong island to the east! that would be so IDEAL. hahahahhaha.

sorry for the lack of a link but... i'm so ELATED!! ((: yay! received a letter frm andrea, and a photo of her! wow. she looks so different.. six years really is a long time! but so glad to have finally made contact again((: i was trying to scan in the pic of me and her six years ago, but my scanner refuses to cooperate. oh wells. i shall go reply her soon. oh oh oh, and she has the same birthday as me too! only person i know who has the same birthday as me. hahahahha ((:

ok. i better start packing up my desk, start thinking of what to get for jun ru and her family, start doing my homework, start revising my subjects, start practising my piano... and the list goes on.

*groan. harmoc every thursday and tues. i rather it was hnf. heh.

love, huili.

Saturday, November 05, 2005
9:50 PM

sigh* PW PW PW all the way till 9th nov. i'd better get started on my i&r soon. someone give me the inspiration. anyway, on friday, kailing, rw and i went to CANDY EMPIRE!!! i mean like FINALLY i'm going there. so EXCITING!! seeing the store frm afar already just makes you feel so HAPPY!!! ((: all the bright and cheery colours and the tons and TONS and TONS of goodies there... yumyum. i think we spent abt 40 bucks in total on chocs, sweets and biscuits! and got a free choc bar.. kailing, you'd better not have eaten it up! i want the traveller's maltesers! and the arnott's choc pack! oh man... droool. and all the DARK chocolate there.. YUM. and kettle chips and the mint chocs and the kinder bueno chocs! oh man oh man oh man! i want LOADS OF MONEY please. hahaahahahaha. fun fun fun! isa, i bet you're like tempted lah. just go there man, stop all your "flee temptations" facade. HAHAHAHA.

last night talked on the phone for quite long.. learnt a lot of stuff. i was totally overwhelmed by all the info told to me. wow. but i think i grew abit wiser to stuff in that period of time. hahahahaha.

saw shuen at last today! miss that girl. miss hanging out with rachie and her!! soon, soon! ((: am totally looking forward to that.

i so wish i was going overseas this year with my family! =( oh wells. i hope we go next year or something!

qi and i ((: i love the big big tree. melbourne 2002.

awww. so CUTE!! ((:

celene and jonah! ((:

and this folks, is what a tasmanian devil really looks like. do not be deceived by the cute Warner Brothers one. heh.

okay, time to pw. sigh*

love, huili.

Thursday, November 03, 2005
12:01 AM

ok. this is gonnna be super random. you have been forewarned.

today's amazing race was sad =( the Gaghans got eliminated! whywhywhy. they were one of the two teams i was rooting for. i think almost everyone rooted for them. booo =( i really admire the dad. he's so optimistic, so determined. and so encouraging with his children and wife! the children, Billy and Carissa, are also so cute! i think they inherited their dad's determination and optimism too. it's like Carissa said "the other teams think that just because we're small, we're gonna lose. but i can do other things like cheer my team up!" awww. i melted. and they're so mature in their thinking, it's really a pity they got eliminated cos of some silly red coffee bean. oh well, i guess that's life. these things happen. but i'm sure they've gleaned much frm the experience ((: and they really are the team that i've the greatest admiration for (=

ohohoh. there's this really cute footballer frm albirex niigata: Issey Nakajima. so CUTE! oh man. drools. hahahahah. HOT. think he's half canadian half japanese. oh man. mix-blood! sigh* mix-blood people usually look SUPER good lah. but nvm. my children are gonna be mix-blood! so i'll have really HOT children! wahahhahahah. quickly tell me if you wanna be their god-parents. LOL. ((:

tmr's rdc. theme for this year is "modern gospel: truth or lie". excited. hope more people come and learn more about my reformed faith! i'm gonna pray for you, that your mom will let you come. that somehow God will work in your mom's heart and allow you to continue to go to church, to grow spiritually. but i just wanna say that be patient if things don't seem to work out at first, cos God has His own plans for you. but trust and believe that in the end, His plans will work out for your good. don't give up on your Christian faith when the going gets a little tough ok? i'll be here to encourage you and to pray for and with you! ((:

am gonnna do a little advertising for dove now. hahahha. but seriously, dove shampoo and conditioner is THE BEST. i mean the 1/4 mosturising cream thingy really works lah. it's only when i use dove that my hair is super soft and silky ((: so now i'm gonna use dove and nothing else. even though the menthol head and shoulders feels quite shuang, but it just dosen't give your hair that silkiness and smoothness. i'll say, go for DOVE! it truly works wonders. and dove soap rocks too. i only don't like the facial foam. it stinks, literally. but other than that, go for dove. hahahaha. -advertisement over.

yeah. i think that's abt all i wanted to blog abt. thank God for carrying me thru another school year. and for my better-than-i-deserved promo grades ((: praise the Lord.

love, huili.