tantalize your senses*

Friday, May 12, 2006
4:55 PM

yesterday was sports day. for the first time in all my 6 years (ok, 5. since i kind of ponned last year's. was playing cards at class bench) attending the hwachong-nanyang-chinesehigh combined sport's meet, i was actually glad it was combined. with nanyang at least. i could do without the chinese high guys but ohwell. saw my nanyang teachers (: yay. they still remember me (: mrs chua, ms koh, mrs ho, chailaoshi. wonder what happened to mrs see and mr derek tan. seeing them was like... WOAH rush of affections suddenly. its like... i realised i really do miss nanyang. really. i'm really proud to be a nanyang girl. proud to have worn that horrible hongzi. proud to have studied in 21 Linden Drive (: every nanyang girl a respected member of society ((: as of now, i'm not sure if i can say i'm proud to be a hwachongian, i mean i guess when it's time to leave i'll probably feel proud (as it happened in nanyang). but now. i really really miss nanyang. i miss being in an all-girls school (it kind of always boils down to this, doesn't it?). i miss knowing everyone in my batch. knowing every teacher. being in nanyang was being part of a family. (cheesy but oh how true)

and then. sport's day was all about running right? so yeah. it made me think of track. and ms sabrina still remembers me! oh goodness. it was so WEIRD. cos i saw her and was just gonna walk past her, thinking she'd forgotten abt me. then she gave a lil smile and i was like shit. so i smiled and she said hi and i said hi ms sabrina. argh. ok. this shldn't sound weird but for the ill-informed, ms sabrina was my track tchr-in-charge in sec 4. as in she was in charge of the rojak grp (i absolutely HATED how they just dumped those who were not tt talented into this grp) and cos i was forever ponning track since end of sec3, i was in tt group. but during one trng, ms sab saw me run and she was like, talent wasted. i dunno. i keep getting that nowadays. its like jus in the morn b4 sports day, daddy asked if i was running. when i was like, no, he said: talent wasted. he was disappointed. i could tell. i hate it when this happens. i hate it when pple tell me i'm a talent wasted. i hate it cos i know its true. and then i start hating myself. i mean sometimes i dunno, but i wonder why God gave me such a talent, and didn't give me the PASSION to pursue that talent. i absolutely loathe running. it's just so.. so boring. and it's hard to train when you're hating every second that you train. when you're counting down to the time trng ends. i dunno. this whole thing frustrates me. maybe i shld have tried to persuade myself to love running. but can that really happen? can you really persuade yourself to start loving, if not at least liking something you absolutely detest now? i really dunno. i really doubt it. but maybe i shld have at least tried to be a better steward of what God has given. i shldn't have just wallowed in my constant state of "i-hate-running" or "i'm-never-gonna-run-again". maybe.

i know i've always said that joining track was one of my biggest regrets in life, and i don't deny that it still is. but i guess i've come to realise that yes, things do happen for a purpose. and that perhaps joining track just taught me to really carefully consider my other choices in life so that i'll not end up regretting these choices next time. so yeah. even though i really hated track and i really regret joining track, thank you Lord for putting me in track anyway.

in a very blogg-y mood now. this usually happens only on sunday mornings in church cos when u listen to the sermon and God speaks to u and u can't wait to blog abt it. but sadly, that desire soon disappears and by the time u reach home, u don't feel like blogging anymore.

read amzie's blog just now. i'm glad that she's having so much fun in america. (: even though she's all alone out there, thank God she's having a ball of a time and that she's safe. then i got down to thinking abt being alone. i mean, something rachie said on wed made me think. she said only losers think it's loser-ish to be alone. i was like. woah. cos i always dread being alone. i don't like to do things by myself (so i really admire amzie for being able to have so much fun touring grandcanyon alone) and i esp hate shopping alone cos yeah, i think it's pretty sad to be alone. like.. i dunno. you have no friends or sth? but even as i typed the prev statement, i realise that most of the time, people are alone cos they choose to be alone. they want to be alone. i can definitely identify with the feeling of wanting to be alone at times. mm. maybe it's time i change my stereotypical mindset abt being alone, cos well, being alone does not = being lonely/being loserish.

don't u just hate it when pple invade ur privacy? i mean if a blog's meant to be private then that's what it shld be. private. right? and if ur fren gives you access to his/her private blog, you shld respect the very basic fact that it's private and keep the contents of the blog to urself. you should DEFINITELY NOT copy and paste the stuff tt's in that blog onto a msn convo for others to read. what were you thinking?! i feel sad for you; you don't understand the fundamental principles of trust and respect, esp btw friends. i can assure u, trust is NEVER easily earned back once it is lost. whoever u are that did it, u ought to be ashamed of yourself. u don't even dare to own up to ur fren when she asked u. i hope that u reflect and realise your grave folly.

ok. this was a rather disjointed post. but whatever. cranky mood right now. rawrrr.

love, huili.