tantalize your senses*

Friday, July 14, 2006
7:48 PM

i don't know why sometimes coming online just makes me all moody and angsty.
maybe the internet has this aura or evil force abt it that just envelopes me whenever i come online and makes me feel suffocated and depressed.
not clinically depressed of course.
just, depressed.
ok i am not sounding like my usual self now.
ah whatever.

today was scholarship day.
i think i've pretty much narrowed down my choices already.
i don't think i'll go for a psc scholarship.
the work's just not my cup of tea (no matter how interesting they try to paint it to be by saying we'll be rotated arnd diff ministries; i don't even want to work in a ministry for goodness' sakes!)
and serving a six year bond will just KILL me.
not to mention the high levels of stress.
~~and i view singapore as more of a place than a nation =x~~
so nope, definitely not me.
neither will i go for an a star scholarship.
research work is just drab drab booooringggggg.
no way i am able to tolerate 6 years (serving the bond) of research.

actually i think i better talk more with my parents about this.
i don't know why on earth are they so interested in getting me to take econs (aft accepting the fact that i don't want to do medicine anymore).
going for the MOE talk tmr. -.-
mommy wants me to go. so i shall just go.
cos i might take an MOE scholarship just... for the scholarship.
which is a really sucky attitude, but what do you do if ur family will be better off if u take a scholarship?
thought about what yahting told me today, and yes.
perhaps serving a 6 year bond teaching may not be so bad after all.
i'll just pity all the poor students who come under my tutileage.

jaey told me that the registeration deadline for the AVA scholarship closed last week.
WHAT?!! =(
i so wanted to get a scholarship to do marine biology.
jaey says she'll take a gap year and go get work experience.
i have to admit that sounds very very appealing.
i don't mind doing just that and go work at underwater world or the zoo.
that would help me gain exposure and i derive satisfaction working with animals (:
ok this is sounding better and better every second.
maybe i shld go check out the AVA website to see if that's really the path i want.

the other option i'm considering is the CAAS scholarship (: haha.
it was my childhood ambition to work in the airport. (
my kindergarden yearbook featured yours truly and in there i said i wanted to work in the airport next time! (: )
and it does sound interesting and appealing.
talked to the woman at the booth today.
one CAAS scholar actually did mathematics in the u?!
i was like o.O what does mathematics have anything to do with CAAS!
haha. but their scholars did mostly econs, international relations (i actually quite fancy this!), political science etc.
told mom abt this. surprisingly, she didn't object.
haha. maybe because it sounded wayyy better than my childhood ambition in the airport, which was the person to check in your baggage at the check-in counters =p
but she was all "econs is really useful in many areas in life, you know."
oh wow that was so subtle mom, so subtle indeed.

oh and the IE scholarship's pretty interesting too(:
i like anything to do with foreign relations.
i think it's cool to see how countries all over the world are interconnected and how connections vary between different countries.
but the business part of IE does not really appeal.
but maybe i'll grow to love it.
after all, singapore's manufacturing industry was my fav topic in social studies. HAHA.
yupp so this is another option.
maybe i'll go check out the firefly website.

so yupp it's either CAAS, AVA or IE. (IE being the least preferred)
but if i get the CAAS one i have to go decide what course i wanna take.
no wait, i should decide what course i wanna take now. i think i have conflicting interests.
but maybe that's normal?
haha.
yupp i think scholarship day was.. useful to a small extent cos it sort of helped me confirm what i want.
i think my interests have changed quite a bit since my sec sch years when i wanted to forensic scientist, a marine biologist or work in the navy.
yes, the navy!
HAHA. ok so the marine biologist thing hasn't changed (:
but the rest have!

and i realised sth about myself.
i'm so not empathetic to people's plights.
and i don't really have much compassion. =(
which is pretty sad. but i really don't feel this desire to help pple (which is why i stopped thinking about going into medicine),
and i don't think i'll gain great satisfaction from seeing pple's lives change for the better and knowing that i've helped play a part in improving their lives.
hmm.
maybe i will gain satisfaction, but the path to that satisfaction requires too much patience (which is what i have a severe lack of) and emotional involvement.
too much for me to handle.
which is why i won't do psychology or social work, but i really respect those who are truly passionate about serving the community and seeing to it that everyone's needs are met (:

haha. okie this was just to jot down some thoughts so i can refer back to them shld the need arise.
shall do more research with my parents, but most importantly, i will seek to do God's will.
and i will pray that His will be revealed to me so that i can obey Him.
cos it's only when i do His will that my ways will be prospered.
(there's a verse for this, but i'm kinda too lazy to check it up now =x)

i hope you all had a fulfilling scholarship day too!
maybe not in terms of gaining more knowledge, but i hope that at least it made you really think about what you want to do with your life in your future.
happy scholarship day everyone (HAHA!)

love, huili.